Helping a Friend #5

Time passed. A few days I guess. I needed this obsession to stop. I have been thinking about when we used to jerk off together. Something about that time is confusing. Something is missing. Time is missing. I don't remember who that other guy was. It was always me and Tommy. Then we found the porn. Then the day he pulled out his hard cock and said innocently "do you jerk off?"  As if anyone didn't jerk off. I had never been with anyone before. I made out with girls but it never went past trying to get my hands up their shirts.
 He started squeezing and stroking his cock, I was staring at it and he said "come on man! What  are you waiting for?"
 He was always way more free than I was. I have always been filled with anxiety, biting my nails, afraid of people. I didn't know until much later how much it affected my life. I didn't even know I had anxiety. Tommy didn't give a shit. He wasn't anxious. His cock was hard and he was going to resolve it regardless. And he trusted me. He knew I wasn't going to rat him out. We were pretty tight back then. It was so fucking intense once it started. It was for me anyway. He was always cool. I was red hot. I could never get enough. Then one day another guy was jerking off with us. For Tommy it was just sort of, whatever...  

 My life fell apart sometime around then. My already shitty family life got way shittier.  It is a blur. I discovered d**gs. I loved getting high. Me, Tommy and this other guy got high together but soon Tommy wasn't getting high the way I liked to. I found new people. I stopped hanging out with Tommy. I don't remember how it all happened.
 

The thought of him sitting at my computer has been intrusive. The taste of his cum is etched in my mind.  I can see the scene as if I am out of my body looking down at myself. Feeling pissed about the mess he left. Then picking up the towel, seeing all of his cum... so much cum... grossed out. I was so pissed, at myself, at him... and then I just lifted the towel to my mouth and tasted it. I felt high. I licked it up as if it normal. It was in that moment that I lost control of myself.
It was nasty and it tingled in my mouth. It was a d**g. It was poison. I felt possessed. I continue to feel possessed. I can hardly function. it is as if a switch flipped in my body. I have completely lost control of myself.
Unless you have it you can never understand addiction. It feels like a parasite or a demon that has you doing its bidding. You can not see yourself losing yourself. You simply fall away into a shroud of what seems like pleasure. It is a lie.

That whole day is a feedback loop in my mind. I have never fucked around with guys. I have never been interested in guys beyond occasional fantasy while jerking off. I have never sucked cock and now I feel like nothing else will stop this downward spiral.

Jacquie knows something is wrong. I have been avoiding her.

 Who was that other guy jerking off with us? Why are my memories of how it all ended so empty? I am going crazy.
 
I passed an adult book store near the airport on the way to work. A guy i worked with a long time ago stopped there on our way to lunch. he was buying some sex toys for his wife. i stood there uncomfortable and mystified by the nasty little store. When he was walking to the counter to pay he said to me
 
"look at all the cars in the parking lot, where are all the people?" 

Then he pointed to a curtain and said,

"why don't you go in there and play some pinball."

He was such an asshole.
  In retrospect, I am sure he was inviting me to suck his cock or maybe he wanted to suck mine, I was newly married, new baby and had just moved here from out of state, I was having enough trouble without hanging around sex shops for blowjobs. The place never looked the same after that day though. Just the same, I would never go into that nasty place.

 Everything has changed. Some switch has been flipped and that building is calling me. I don't know where else to go. It reminds me I am starving to death. I need cock. I need that taste back. The taste of being used. The thought of getting on my knees and letting a nasty diseased bastard fuck me in the mouth makes me nauseous and at the same time my cock is throbbing at the thought of it. My entire being is pulsing . I am drawn to that nasty building. I am falling. Something else is in control. It doesn't matter what I think anymore. I am finding it hard to even care. Whatever this is it can have me.

I hate Tommy. He has ruined me.